Monday, November 10, 2008

Yesterday was very emotional for me as I walked into Grace UMC to worship. It overwhelmed me. I was rather surprised that I became so emotional. I have not been very weepy or emotional through the entire process. Oh, sometimes I would tear up, or struggle with controlling my thoughts, but emotion...I was pretty strong and matter of fact about the whole thing. Until...I walked into the house of the Lord. Then... well, I wanted to fall apart. As Iwalked into the church the hugs, the love and sympathy enveloped me. I quickly tried to find my seat thinking that perhaps I wouldn't have to face so many empathetic loving faces; perhaps that would help me get control of myself. I opened my bulletin hoping that people would see that I was "busy" and just give me a moment to get control of myself. Sitting there I looked over the bulletin and settled myself down - at least for awhile. The processional song of the morning began and I opened my mouth to sing "God Will Take Care of You". ...."through days of toil when heart doth fail, God will take care of you...when dangers fierce your path assail, God will take care of you." That did it, the tears began to roll. I know that God did take care of Stephen and I through this whole ordeal. I know that everyday He was with us, sustaining us, guiding us, helping us make right decisions, providing for us... and gratitude poured out of my soul, grasping to just be held safe in His arms. Someone put their arm around me. I was afraid that everyone was watching me. I wanted to escape the building, but then all of a sudden there was that peace again. Wonderful peace coming down from the Father above, sweeping over my spirit. I have always heard about God's peace but have never experienced it like we have over the last couple of weeks. Peace is a very powerful thing.

Perhaps now I understand how hard it must be to walk in the church after you have lost your loved ones. Is it the sanctuary of the Lord? Is it the sympathetic faces? Is it your grief? It's hard to tell. Perhaps it is all of them put together. But, I know now how hard it is to come back into the church after a crises in your life. I find it very interesting and something that I continue to ponder -

Steve continues to do very well. Every day we see marked improvement. He is having people come to visit him now and everyone says "how good he looks". . . and he does look great. He is getting stronger and "back to himself". He wants to get back to work probably sooner than I think would be good for him. Last evening we had a long talk about his health and the life-style changes that need to be made. I feel much better after talking "heart to heart" with him. He is taking alot of responsibility for his health, diet and exercise. I was afraid that I would have to be the "food police", or "exercise sargeant", but that is not the case. He is doing a great job of accessing his health. For that I am very grateful.

Today a group of women from the church are picking me up to take me to lunch. I am so excited to get out a little and just be "normal" again. They suggested going Christmas shopping after lunch - humm.... I guess Christmas is coming . . . a holiday I simply love . . . I wonder why I just don't feel like shopping/decorating/celebrating? Another thing to ponder . . .


Anonymous said...

Thanks for sharing your thoughts from yesterday. When you feel care and love surrounding you, gratitude overwhelms you. . .as you expressed it so well. I have difficulty facing those situations but your right, that's where healing takes place. I have tried to live the concept that where love surrounds you, surrender. It's easier said than done! Good to hear the Steve is doing great!

Our love to you both,
Jerry & Esther Freed

Anonymous said...

I think it is wonderful that you are recording your thoughts and the path of this journey. It is beautiful. Loved the poem. Your thoughts about going back to church after a crisis is good. Many can relate to this and it has given you a new empathy for others. This will be most helpful in your future ministry.
We had our annual Boutique on Saturday. I thought of you so often and remembered when you shared this experience with us.
Love to you and Steve.

Deana Sue said...

Well its been awhile since I last came in to the chat. My prayers have been uplifting the whole family. I have been extremely exhausted and have had to stop and rest and maybe smell the roses along the way. I know how beautiful your home has always been throughout the holidays but don't fret on such things as that. Concentrate on bringing home Steven and have a celebration of life. God is your strength and the shopping, decorating, baking, is not what it is all about. It is the celebration of the birth of our Saviour Jesus Christ. I love you all. God's Blessings to you. Love Deana Sue

Anonymous said...


It was go good to see you in church yesterday. All of us in the choir agreed that we felt like we were singing to you yesterday. We hope Steve could hear us too!!

Your comments on returning to church brought to mind my mother's tears every Sunday for six long years. I think it feels good to have a safe haven to cry, and God's house is just such a place to pour out your heart in safety and security.

Tell your kids from us that you look great (I'm sure they are worrying about how you are holding up - in addition to Steve, of course.)

It was really good to have "half of the team" back - tell Steve we miss him but assure him that all those who love and miss him can wait as long as it takes to have him back in our midst too.

Our love,
Lee and Sue

Anonymous said...

Dear Jayna,

Thank you so much for sharing your beautiful emotions, poem, and honest observations as you and Steve have journed from the depths to the heights these past weeks.

The outpouring of prayers and love by your family and for your family has been something to make us all in awe.

Try to convince Steve that instead of doing the multitude of things he always does to make the coming season special for everyone he needs to relax and enjoy the Peace and Silent Nights!

With love,

Karen Fell