Friday, September 18, 2009

Dr. Ritchie says "You have to get to know your body" - Stephen runs this vicious cycle - he has so much he wants to do.... he doesn't feel 100%, so he pushes harder...the harder he pushes the more tired he gets... the more tired he gets, he thinks he has to push harder to get it all done... and by the end of the day - well, his body gives out.

Get to know your body - know how much you can take - know when you need to rest! Stephen has a tremendous work ethic. He knows what needs to be done and cannot rest until it is completed. I am not sure he will ever "get to know" what he can take/do. He just "runs" until it all gets done - and then he begrudginly falls into bed without calling on someone he knows he should have. This is something we will have to work on. I don't know about how to do it. He does delegate and he does do a good job of letting his staff do their thing without him interfering with their responsibilities. He could do a much better job of taking his day off. But he has had 57 years of a pattern that it is going to be hard (impossible?) to break. Yeah, I hear you now..."good luck Jayna!"

Tuesday, September 15, 2009


Today started out lovely - Bible Study on Tuesday morning - (which by the way has over 25 women in this particular study). I went to lunch with a friend and came home to lots of phone calls - Then about 2:30 I received a call that made my heart stand still.

Steve was on the other line saying "Jayna help me..." - he was in tremendous pain again and extremely frightened. We called his cardiologist and went directly to the emergency room. We were there for at least 4 hours. The tests all came out okay. Tomorrow we meet again with Dr. Ritchie. We don't seem to know what is causing him all of this pain. We gave him pain medicine and since we have been home, Steve has been asleep.

I feel tired, yet my eyes won't close. I would have to admit that this entire year has been the most difficult year of my life. Feelings of fear...depression...mortality...of feeling old...of watching the one you love struggle...trying to keep it all together when you feel like you are falling apart... I have trouble with concentration, depression, anxiety, being overwhelmed and unorganized. I forget everything, I can't remember things or even people. I feel old - we talk about retirement - but with all of the doctor bills finances are a big issue with us; retirement is out of the issue - we discuss whether we are effective in ministry anymore - This is not fun. I know God is with us. I feel His presence all the time - I have had so much support from the church and family - and I am sure that all of these overwhelmed feelings come with the trauma that has happened in our life. I keep asking why I am going through all of these feelings when it is Steve's body that's "broken" -- I guess that is what it means that when two become one, whatever happens to one of us affects the other just as incredibly.

I don't know what to do anymore. I just cast it all on the Lord - but there is a great fear and sadness that keeps clutching at my heart.