Monday, June 7, 2010

The great sadness

My head remains positive and hopeful and my heart carries this...great sadness. One moment you have the world by the tail and in a twinkling of an eye something happens to your health and this sadness settles in and encompasses you. Wishing things could be like they used to be...hoping that things will improve... yet feeling discouragement with every turn.

Today I heard the report from the doctor about Steve's blood and my stomach aches, my heart starts pounding in my chest and this...great sadness...overwhelms me. I call the children just to "talk", but the sadness doesn't go away. I called my Mom - Mom can always make me feel better when I'm hurting, but that...great sadness...still consumes me when I hang up the phone. There are no tears, just this overwhelming sadness -- that is the only way I can describe it.

The Hemotologist said today that Stephen's blood tests didn't show any cancer, or bone marrow blood disorder. That is good news and he released Steve.

Steve also had an appointment with the Cardiologist that wasn't quite so positive. Dr Ritchie is very concerned that Steve is throwing blood clots, (as Steve reported severe pain and burning on more than one occasion in the middle of the night). Dr Ritchie wants Steve to go back to Heart Rehabilitation as Stephen is experiencing upper back and chest pain just from standing in the pulpit for a 20 minute sermon. Dr Ritchie also suggested that stress only exaerbates his heart issues. Steve is to slow down. Steve already has resigned from his extra-curricular activities. His doctor even scolded him today for being "in denial" of his very serious heart issues. More testing and blood work has been ordered, so the saga (and anxiety) continues...

It is such a hard decision as to what to do... His family wants him to retire, slow way down and enjoy his wife, children, grandchildren. But Stephen has this "drive" to be effective in this world. He has a drive to make something of himself. He has this drive to preach Christ to the world. He would die on the vine if he "retired" with no purpose in life at age 57. AND, I know even if he would slow way down, that would not solve our blood and heart problems. They will remain... So I just carry this..great sadness...