Dr. Ritchie says "You have to get to know your body" - Stephen runs this vicious cycle - he has so much he wants to do.... he doesn't feel 100%, so he pushes harder...the harder he pushes the more tired he gets... the more tired he gets, he thinks he has to push harder to get it all done... and by the end of the day - well, his body gives out.

Get to know your body - know how much you can take - know when you need to rest! Stephen has a tremendous work ethic. He knows what needs to be done and cannot rest until it is completed. I am not sure he will ever "get to know" what he can take/do. He just "runs" until it all gets done - and then he begrudginly falls into bed without calling on someone he knows he should have. This is something we will have to work on. I don't know about how to do it. He does delegate and he does do a good job of letting his staff do their thing without him interfering with their responsibilities. He could do a much better job of taking his day off. But he has had 57 years of a pattern that it is going to be hard (impossible?) to break. Yeah, I hear you now..."good luck Jayna!"

Frustrating!

Today started out lovely - Bible Study on Tuesday morning - (which by the way has over 25 women in this particular study). I went to lunch with a friend and came home to lots of phone calls - Then about 2:30 I received a call that made my heart stand still.

Steve was on the other line saying "Jayna help me...help me..." - he was in tremendous pain again and extremely frightened. We called his cardiologist and went directly to the emergency room. We were there for at least 4 hours. The tests all came out okay. Tomorrow we meet again with Dr. Ritchie. We don't seem to know what is causing him all of this pain. We gave him pain medicine and since we have been home, Steve has been asleep.

I feel tired, yet my eyes won't close. I would have to admit that this entire year has been the most difficult year of my life. Feelings of fear...depression...mortality...of feeling old...of watching the one you love struggle...trying to keep it all together when you feel like you are falling apart... I have trouble with concentration, depression, anxiety, being overwhelmed and unorganized. I forget everything, I can't remember things or even people. I feel old - we talk about retirement - but with all of the doctor bills finances are a big issue with us; retirement is out of the issue - we discuss whether we are effective in ministry anymore - This is not fun. I know God is with us. I feel His presence all the time - I have had so much support from the church and family - and I am sure that all of these overwhelmed feelings come with the trauma that has happened in our life. I keep asking why I am going through all of these feelings when it is Steve's body that's "broken" -- I guess that is what it means that when two become one, whatever happens to one of us affects the other just as incredibly.

I don't know what to do anymore. I just cast it all on the Lord - but there is a great fear and sadness that keeps clutching at my heart.

New hair

Stephanie's birthday was Sept 9. I asked her what she wanted for her birthday - she said she wanted to go and get her hair cut/done with me. She also said she wanted to pick my hair style. Okay - off we go. I drove to Marion Indiana - picked up Stef and we went to get our hair done. It is taking me alot to get used to short hair...but here are the pictures...

Labor Day

We met Stephanie and Daniel after church, ate a quick bite of lunch and took off for Lake Michigan. Jason and Kendra had rented a hotel in St Joseph, MI, so we all met at the hotel and had a lovely day on the beach. The kids loved the water - we ate pizza at the waterpark and played in the sand building sandcastles, digging holes and watching the waves fill them in... we had a lovely weekend.

We did have quite an eventful night's sleep at the Hotel. About 2 am, the fire alarm went off - we were on the 7th floor - so we bounded down the stairs in our pajamas. It was about 55 degrees, so it was a little nippy out there in our jameys... For some reason the fire trucks did not come for 2 hours, the guests were furious and it was not pretty! We finally got the kids back in bed around 4:30 a.m. It was pretty frustrating and stressful. I'm glad I'm not in the hotel business.

The next morning, we got up and ate our breakfast and then wandered the quaint little shops in town...there was a great fudge shop and and Ice Cream shop that caught our fancy -- so Grandpa (Steve) bought the kids ice cream at 9:00 a.m. - and peanut butter fudge. We then went to Tower Hill in Southern Michigan and climbed the mammoth sand hill there. We were talking with Jaybin (age 3) about how that hill got up so high...he decided that a big bulldozer pushed it up there. He loved the climb and expecially the "run" down - I think he had more fun jumping and falling than actually running. Stephen and I did not take the hill - my cast was just taken off last week and I wasn't sure my foot could handle the soft sand yet so Steve stayed behind with me.

Notre Dame Season

Hooray for Notre Dame season! Yes - Jason and Kendra take off for South Bend and we get to watch Kinsen and Jaybin! We have been having such a wonderful day. Steve and Daniel went with Jason and Kendra to the game so Stephanie and I have been playing all day with the kids.

Yesterday Steve and I cleaned out the attic. We ran across two boxes of toys that our kids used to play with - but have been put in boxes for 20 years! You know, toys like "make and bake oven"... "Light bright"... "Jewels in the attic"..."Labrinth".... "giant coloring books"... "tinker toys"... "lincoln logs"...."pick-up sticks"... We had to run to Walmart to get some pans to bake in the oven; we also picked up a tiny light to go in the light bright! The kids came at 9:00 this morning, and before you know it, the Notre Dame game had started (3:30 pm) and we missed the kick-off.

Jaybin has been playing with an old game of Jason's called "Weapons and Warriors". He has sat there for over 2 hours contented to shoot cannon balls and set up his kingdoms.

Kinsen always loves a grand tea party. We got dressed up in beautiful princess dresses and put on fancy hats. (I noticed that my "shape" has changed since I last wore my fancy dresses - humm... I guess more rigorous exercise will take place in my daily routine). Kinsen and Stephanie used the make and bake oven to make our special tea cakes...my they were beautiful! Our dog, POOF, got the little debbie snack cakes as they were on the bottom shelf of the tea cart! She's laying around on the floor not moving for the last hour - - -


Right now the kids are playing a game I forgot all about called "Jewels in the Attic". This game is a "make your own story" game where you run all over the house ...Kinsen just told me that there is a green frog that keeps crawling up her pant leg...and a wolf is in the attic scratching the door trying to get out.. Stephanie used to love this game when she was a child and she is having a grand time remembering and running all over the house with the kids...I'm very happy to just be quiet right now.


Stephanie brought a movie for this evening. We are going to watch "the absent minded professor". I'm having such a great day.

Steve's 57th birthday is on Sunday (Aug 30)! Every day is a celebration as far as I'm concerned! Steve is always so hard to know what to do (or purchase) to let him know he is loved and appreciated. He doesn't like to spend money on himself, so every dime I spend on him, he complains. So...I typically plan something that doesn't involve much money. This year however, I had a really good idea - and I spent money on it too! We had purchased a new car in February that has Sirius radio. The "free" service was only for 6 months - it expired yesterday. Steve loves 50's and 60's music...I love the broadway, classical, easy listening and big band music. The variety of music is so incredible... and there are no advertisements! We have really enjoyed Sirius radio. However, if you know Steve, it is not a necessity, so we were not going to renew the subscription. Well...I just picked up the phone yesterday and called Sirius and renewed it for a year. I was amazed at how thrilled Steve was that his radio was not shut off! So, I guess I got him a gift that he really likes this year! And, he only complained about the money I spent on it once!

Also, to celebrate his birthday we are going to Frankenmuth Michigan to meet Steve's baby sister (age 40) on Friday. I love to eat at Zenders. My favorite thing to eat at this famous chicken restaurant are the wonderful fried chicken livers smothered in sauteed onions. No one else likes them...but to me they are like candy! I can't wait.

Then, on Steve's actual birthday, after church, we are going to meet Jason/Kendra/Kinsen/Jaybin and Stephanie/Daniel at the Tipton park for a picnic and a geocache! Sure wish Sara/Chris/Grant/Mason lived close. It always seems so hard to meet with the family when one link is down in Florida.

On Monday of next week I am supposed to be released from the foot doctor - Wow! It will be 12 weeks. This week I have been wearing a tennis shoe on my broken foot. The tennis shoe works really well. When I put on any other shoe, my foot aches after an hour or two. I tried going to a wedding in a rubber soled black shoe (not very pretty, but at least not a white tennis shoe). I was hardly able to get to the car that evening. When I got home my foot was swollen again. So, I wore tennis shoes to church the next day. Tennis shoes and white socks! Now that was a fashion statement. It was rather humorous to me that it is not the women that noticed that I wore a pair of slacks and tennis shoes...it was the men. They were the ones that made a big deal out of the fact that this was the very first time they saw their pastor's wife in a pair of pants on Sunday morning - let alone tennis shoes.

33 years and counting

Our 33rd Wedding anniversary was this week on Friday, August 14. Thursday evening we hopped in the car and headed down to French Lick Indiana and stayed at The West Baden Hotel. It is a lovely old hotel that was remodeled in 2007. This is the first time we have ever stayed here. There really is not much to do in French Lick but rest. That we did very well. Friday morning we got up and sat out on the veranda with a cup of coffee and the newspaper letting the sunshine wake us for the day.

Then we headed out to Spring Mill State park. The park was quite rustic, but very nice. Since I have a broken foot, we did not hike, but we did take a boat ride through a cave and walked through the old inn. There is a pioneer village at Spring Mill that was delightful to walk. There is also an old mill that is still used to grind corn. Stephen was very tired the entire couple of days that we were there. As soon as he would sit down, he would fall asleep. I am hoping that there is still some anesthesia in his system that is making him so tired. It has been over a week since the heart catheter. It was a very minor surgery and Steve was awake through most of it... Never-the-less, Steve slept alot this weekend. Perhaps he was exhausted with all of the excitement and pain he has had over the past month.

As tired and worn out as Steve was on our little trip, this morning he got up, walked in the pulpit and he was strong, vibrant and shared the WORD this morning with conviction and passion. Grace UMC is doing a sermon series on the book of Phillippians. This morning we were on Philippians 2:5-12. ....Every knee shall bow and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord.... I wish you all could have heard Steve this morning. He has a new sense of power in his preaching since his heart attack. At the end of the sermon, we began singing "He is Lord....He is Lord...He has risen from the dead and He is Lord....every knee shall bow, every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord .... and one by one people all over the congregation began standing on that Historic confession of faith.

Sometimes, in my weakness/humanity I wish that Steve would retire. Then he gets up in the pulpit and "does his thing" and I relax, placing my trust once again in the fact that we are called to pastoral ministry, and it is good...