Well, it has been 5 months since Stephen's heart attack. I would have to say that the past five months have been the longest, hardest months that we have ever had to experience. Yes, the healing is going well - and Stephen does get stronger every day. Yet, the process of healing is so much slower than I ever dreamed it would be. The anxiety that something is wrong is so very real all the time. If his arm aches, I worry. If his jaw hurts - worry. If his chest feels heavy or he has trouble breathing, I'm anxious. We have no idea what to expect in this healing process. Five months seems like a reasonable amount of time to heal and be back to normal, however, Steve is far from being back to his old self. He looks great and sometimes he even has energy, and other days he is exhausted, weary and drags around the entire day. There are days that his aches are excruciating. The doctors say that it is all part of the healing process.

Steve has a hard time calling the doctor with all of his aches and pains and Jayna wants to call with every thing. This morning Steve met one of his pastor friends who had open heart surgery 8 weeks after Steve's surgery. This pastor friend really put my mind at ease today as he declared (tearfully) that this was more than he can handle. He is still in terrible pain and has gone back to the emergency room 5-6 times, only to be told that his bone and muscles were cut and the pain is just part of the healing.

I should be more patient with Steve. He really has done a wonderful job of taking responsibility for himself. He has totally changed his eating habits. He exercises every day. I could not be more proud of him taking responsibility for his own health. I enjoy learning about nutrition and trying new recipes. He never complains about what I make - and I even laugh when he gets a popcicle instead of ice cream at night and he declares how wonderful it tastes.

We are supposed to go to Disneyworld with all of our children/grandchildren in 8 weeks. I jokingly tell our kids - "Daddy and I will take the kids mid-day back to the hotel for a nap - Daddy will need one by then!" I think our children are planning on having the time of their lives while Grandma and Grandpa take care of the nap routine. Sounds wonderful for the grandkids and Stephen . . . but I think Grandma will get the raw end of this deal! Or, maybe not. . . I am over 50 now, perhaps a nap will be welcome??

This will be a very busy holy week, with Easter coming in a few days. Jason, Kendra and the kids will be coming to our home for Easter Sunday. I have already purchased some easter eggs to hide. Kinsen called the other day to tell me about the new dress that her daddy bought her for Easter. She just can't wait for me to see her in it. Hummmm.....I don't have a camera. I'm going to have to fix that dilemna very quickly.

March 18-28

I certainly was blessed this past week. I packed up the car and drove all the way to Jacksonville Florida to see Sara's family and to celebrate Mason's first birthday. With it being "March Madness" Sara decided to make a basketball birthday party for Mason. We made basketball cakes, served concession food (you know . . . hot dogs, hot pretzels, nachos and cheese, cokes, popcorn, etc. . . then for the health nuts, she had fresh fruit).










Isn't Mason a mess!?


Stephen wasn't able to spend the entire week in Florida, so he flew into Jacksonville on Monday after he preached in Kokomo. We saw the hospital where Chris is doing his medical internship. We saw the naval base and we also were priviledged enough to be with Sara and Chris when they purchased their first home. Well, actually the realtor told them that their offer was approved and then suggested that they could take Steve and I over to see their new place. WOW! It is a beautiful home and we are so very happy for them.


While in Florida, we went to a park, went to Amelia Island; went to the beach; potted tomatos, green peppers, and herbs; went to St Augustine's light house festival; spent one entire day at church and enjoyed the grandchildren.

See how well Steve looks now?














After 2 days in Florida, we took off for North Carolina to see our other daughter, Stephanie and Dan. Steve went with Daniel to one of his theology classes and readily admitted that the professor was way over his head! Jayna and Stephanie went shopping at one of Jayna's favorite places to pick up Christmas ornaments. And yes, she found another perfect ornament for Daniel's Christmas tree - For those of you who don't know it, Jayna buys her daughter-in-law the most obnoxious Mermaid Christmas ornaments she can find and lovingly presents this hideous mermaid to Kendra. For Daniel, she has found the most "precious", "lovely" animal character ornaments and this time she found a "kitty" that will adorn Daniel's tree something wonderful! For Chris and Sara, well Jayna finds motorcycles (and harley davidson stuff) to adorn this tree. One of the ornaments sings "Born to be wild"! Chris loves these ornaments, and Sara . . . well . . . let's say that she just rolls her eyes. My camera was dropped and thus broken, so I don't have pictures of our time in North Carolina. however, we had a wonderful time and Steve seemed to weather this little trip fantastically!

Our life is beginning to look alot more normal as the days go by. Stephen continues to get stronger. He is attending rehabilitation on Monday Wednesday and Friday's and seems to be handeling it fairly well. He has had trouble with blood pressure remaining stable while he is exercising, and he is exhausted when finished, but he comes right home, takes a shower and goes right into church. He works until around 4:00 pm - and then most nights he is back at work by 6:30 - so his schedule is pretty much the same as it was before the heart attack.

I've taken on most of the household chores and work. I've mastered the snowblower! Hey, that is a fun toy. I thought Steve was working hard when he was plowing us out, but now I know that he was having the time of his life! Emptying the trash is not as fun as blowing snow- but it's not terrible - especially when the neighbor comes over to take the trash can out to the curb for me! I've cleaned the carpets and moved furniture all by myself! The gutters still need cleaned out - Steve's heart attack was in October while the leaves were still falling. The first month home we only took care of Steve - now that I can get to the eaves - they are full of ice. We have icicles hanging over the garage. I keep knocking them off, but they come back. I hear the weather will get up to 45 degrees this weekend - I will try my hand at climbing ladders and getting those leaves out of there. Actually it sounds like a great adventure!

I will have to take a picture of Steve here shortly so you can see how much weight he has lost - over 35 pounds and still loosing. I guess he has another 10 pounds to go before he has met his goal. Already his clothing hangs on him. Actually, he doesn't look very groomed when he puts on a sweater and it just hangs on him - and his pants hang down to his knees! We did purchase a new belt so the belt could hold the pants up at least. We don't want to purchase any new clothes until he has met his target weight. So, until then, he doesn't look very professional. It makes me laugh (but not so that he can hear!)

I have been very impressed that Steve does not complain about eating salad anymore. He never complains about the salt shaker being removed from the table. He even seems grateful for a popcicle since he can't eat ice cream at night. I was afraid that I would have to be the food police, but he actually is taking responsibility for his own eating. And, we are not eating out as much. It is so difficult to be on this kind of diet and eat out. I thought it would save us money, but fresh fruit, vegetables, high fiber breads, low-fat meats, shellfish, fresh salmon and tuna are very expensive - our grocery bill has more than doubled. What I would give for a warm homemade tollhouse chocolate chip cookie! Now that is a long-lost dream. Funny thing, I haven't lost any weight and I eat the same thing Steve does. He must have been sneaking food when I wasn't looking before! Ha.

Beutler "Wii-kend"

This year's theme for our family holiday gathering was entitled the "Beutler wiikend". Jason and Kendra planned this years fun. All gifts were centered around the Nintendo "wii" - not only that, but we had a great Olympic competition that lasted 2 days.

The reason for this theme was due to the fact that for the very first time in our life, one of our children could not be home for Christmas. Chris, Sara, Grant and Mason remained in Jacksonville Florida as Chris was "on call" at the naval hospital over the holidays. So, Steve and I purchased Chris/Sara and Daniel/Stephanie a Nintendo "wii" (Jason/Kendra already had one - so they got the Wii-fit). We also purchased games that we could play online.

Kinsen - our little princess - received princess dresses, tiara's, gloves, crinilyns, glass slippers, pretend wigs and princess jewelry and makeup for Christmas. Jaybin received a slot car which kept him busy the entire "wii-kend". We really enjoyed watching the kids open their presents from Grandma and Papa. We sent Sara's kids presents through the mail. Grant opened a Geotrax train/car set and Mason received a ball popper that he really loves. Sara, here are a couple of pictures for you to see Jaybin and Kinsen with their presents. We sure enjoyed seeing the pictures of Grant/Mason opening their presents on your blogsite.















Jason and Kendra put together a grand olympics tournament that we could play with Chris and Sara in Florida as we played in Kokomo. We really had a wonderful time, even though we all could not be together physically. Here begins the pictures of the "wiikend".

























Aren't these great T-shirts?















Jason, Sara and Daniel kind of dominated the wiikend - Jason won the most gold medals - Daniel took most of the silver medals - Sara won oodles of medals as well. Stephanie won the boobie prize which consisted of a button that said "I tried, I really did"! The rest of us tried as well, but just couldn't keep up with the "pros". Alls I can say is that some people must spend way too much time playing while others of us have to do all the work! ha.





The fun part of the wiikend was that all ages were engaged and having a great time.






















We began the Olympic day with eating an olympic power breakfast of fruit, granola, yogurt and bagels. Lunch - well look at this sandwich! (see the olympic rings? correct color and all)
















There was 11 people and 3 dogs in our home for 4 days. Steve seemed to do very well with all the comotion. He did fall asleep on us and could not play all of the active games. But, he really did well and had a great time watching everyone.


Doesn't Daddy look good? Hope you enjoy these pictures Sara. We took hundreds of pictures. I will post them on snapfish so you can see all of them. We missed you so much -

On Tuesday of this week, Stephen had a doctors appointment with the doctor that saved his life (Dr Ritchie) when he had his massive heart attack. I was rather amused that Stephen does not remember ever meeting Dr Ritchie. Dr Ritchie was amused that Steve was asking him all kinds of questions trying to verify that he indeed did have a heart attack. Steve said over and over again, if this is what it means to come that close to death, it's not that bad. After his appointment with the cardiologist, Steve talked all the way home about how surreal it all seems. Like he never really did have a heart attack, that everyone over reacted to him and that he was just fine. I remember when I was told that I had cancer while pregnant with Stephanie - to this day. . . I'm not really sure that I did - I think that whole dramatic episode in my life was just a bunch of doctors over reacting. Isn't if funny how our minds work. Perhaps that is God's way of encouraging us to continue to run the race. Somehow you just "get through" with confidence, peace and stupidity!

Dr. Ritchie once again affirmed the fact that Steve could now do whatever he felt like doing. (I have noticed that Stephen doesn't "feel" like doing too much yet). There was nothing that could harm him - he was not going to have another heart attack - so I need to let him go. I think I am doing better at letting him go . . . well, at least until I see his shoulders sag and a slow step, then I take on my stubborn obstinate wife role that will not take "no" for an answer. Steve comes home and right to his Lazyboy chair! The therapist told us that it would take 4-6 months before Steve would feel like himself again.

As you can tell, our life is very normal again. When I look to see how many people are still looking at the blog, I am overwhelmed that over 100 people still read it a day. I honestly have to say that you have been my strength and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for your prayers, your care and support. I am going to discontinue the blog as the holidays approach. We do wish you a lovely HOLYday. Take the time to read Luke 2 with your families. Spend time with your friends. Make many sweet memories. Remember your childhood and let the joy of everything that you see, you touch, you smell, you taste and that you hear consume you this season. I have learned once again that life is beautiful -- Thank you for being a part of our life -

It is rather sad to discontinue this blog - for when I write in it, I feel like I am talking to each one of you and loving you with all my heart. God bless you. Jayna

Steve's First Sermon

Steve was flying on cloud 9 after worship services yesterday. He was supposed to preach on the Christian symbol (Chrismon) of the harp. However, for his first sermon back after his surgery and knowing all of the death, loss of job, catastrophe's, financial worries, cancer, sickness, heart, and family dynamics going on in our church, he decided to preach where he left off before the heart attack. The Sunday before his hospital experience Steve had preached on soaring with wings of eagles. This Sunday, however, he took that Scripture passage where the prophet Isaiah penned the words "Those who wait upon the Lord....shall soar with wings of eagles, they shall run and not grow weary, they shall walk and not faint." Ending the sermon with sometimes God meets us not with the ectasy of soaring, or the empowerment of running/perserverance...but just to walk and not faint is everything - God is there. It was a very powerful sermon in my estimation - especially in light of everything going on in our life.

After Steve preached 2 sermons, went to Sunday School, he came home for 10 minutes and the telephone rang - so, to the hospital we ran as we watched Bill White's mother slip quietly into heaven. When we finally did get home, Steve was exhausted and in quite a bit of pain. But, he was happy. He stayed home and sat quietly in his chair for the rest of the day. Jayna ran to church for a couple of hours during that time frame, where Steve said "all I did was answer telephones"!

This morning Steve took it easy until 9:30 a.m. - now he has left to go to church. This is the first time he has left me home alone since the heart attack. In some ways it seems like life is back to some semblance of normality - and in other ways my heart is frozen with fear. I have noticed over the last week that I have been very emotional letting Steve go back to work. I have silent tears down my cheeks all the time - I don't really feel sad, I just cry. Trying to analyze myself I assume that I have some fear in letting Steve go back to work so soon. I fear alot. I know the Bible tells me to "fear not, for I am with you ....be not dismayed for I AM your God." I know this in my head, but my heart still fears. I try to rest on the fact the I have placed my trust in the Lord God, I know I have given this man I love to the Lord and to His work - boy . . . another thing to ponder. . . perhaps this is what it means to "walk and not faint" . . . . .

He must be feeling better, but I'm not

This very first week back at work Stephen has done remarkably well. I have actually been surprised that he is keeping up as well as he is. I thought he would go into work for a couple of hours and come home exhausted and fall asleep in his chair for the rest of the day. However, that has not been the case. Monday was a very very busy day as he met with the Finance committee most of the morning to determine how we were going to hold costs down and cut the budget to reflect a 0% increase. He went for coffee with a pastor friend that needed to talk. Steve also went to the Pastor Parish Relations committee meeting that night.

Tuesday was spent filling out paperwork for Rehab at Howard Hospital. (It looks like they want Steve to participate in rehabilitation on Monday, Wed and Fri for 6-8 weeks.) He continued to work on finances and to top of the evening we went out to eat with some friends.

Wednesday Steve met with the Pastors in the Kokomo cluster group and spent many, many hours (at least 6) working on balancing/cutting the budget until he was satisfied with the bottom line.

Today he spent working on his sermon for this coming Sunday. Yes, that is right, Steve is preaching this week. I wonder how he is going to do getting behind the pulpit after such an ordeal in his life. I can only imagine that he will look out over his congregation and begin weeping - for joy of being alive - for joy of still being useful for the Lord - and for joy of the overwhelming gratitude of all the prayers/support he has felt from this body of Christ.

I do have to admit that allowing Steve to get back into the swing of things has not been as easy for me as it has been for Steve. I struggle with the fact that Dr Coffey said that Steve could do whatever he feels like doing. Perhaps my stress is related more to the fact that I am not ready for him to go back to work so fast. Perhaps I am still "mothering" him or something. Perhaps my heart still fears that he will have another heart attack and I will loose him. I cannot set him free so quickly. I still want him to rest. I still want him to be home stress-free.

I am insisting that Steve take tomorrow off completely of which he has agreed to comply. I think we will sleep in late and wrap Christmas presents!

PS: I just read this post to Steve and he said "wow, it sounds like I'm doing better than I feel!" Ha.