Jaybins 4th birthday

Thursday night we celebrated the fact that Stephen's heart attack was one year ago and Praise the Lord... this year is over! We went to eat at Half Moon Restaurant. They serve VERY good hamburgers there and we ordered one to celebrate that Stephen has gone an entire year eating healthy and watching fats...but not tonight! We ate a hamburger and french fries! We were good...we split one meal! Actually the hamburgers are so large there, that half a hamburger was more than enough for both of us. Stephanie made dessert - so we then ate pumpkin cake.

Friday we went to Indy to go to the Children's museum for the King Tut exhibition. Wouldn't you know it...Friday the kids were out of school and there was no place to park and there were kids everywhere, so we opted to go to circle center mall downtown Indy. It had been years since we have been to the circle center, so that sounded like fun...well, until we realized that the FFA convention was going on and there were 40,000 high school kids running around the mall and over the streets. They were all dressed in blue pants and blue "FFA" jackets. We spent about 30 minutes in the mall and decided to get out of that chaos. So, then we decided that we would go Christmas shopping for the grandkids at Toys R Us. That didn't work out either. A semi truck had crashed into the bridge on the corner of Highway 69 and 465, so all traffic was re-routed past the mall. We turned onto 86th street and soon discovered that the traffic was so congested that it would take hours to get to our destination, so we left town and came home!

Saturday we went back to Indy to celebrate Jaybin's 4th birthday! We went bowling! Yes, Stephen bowled for the first time since the heart attack. He was pretty slow at first, but the second game he got his "mo jo" back...he beat everyone that game. Jaybin and Kinsen used bumpers and Grandma got to bowl on that lane! (I'm embarassed to say that even with the bumpers Grandma only bowled 78 pins!) We did have a fun day bowling and watching the Notre Dame game. Then Jaybin got to open his presents and we all got to play with them!

Let's Celebrate

On Thursday of this week, Stephen will be celebrating the fact that one year ago he suffered the massive heart attack - AND, blessing upon blessing, he is still with us. Mom and Dad Beutler, Jason, Kendra, Kinsen, Jaybin, Stephanie and Daniel are coming over to Kokomo and we are going out to eat to celebrate!

I would have to say that 2009 was the most difficult year of our life - if I think about it very long, I get overwhelmed. October 22, he suffered the heart attack. Because the heart attack was so massive, we waited 10 days before the doctors thought he was strong enough to endure surgery. Nov 1, 2008 Steve was recuperating from open heart surgery. Amazingly, one month later Steve preached at the Christmas services. That's about all he could do, but he got up there and proclaimed the message of Christ once again. That was a milestone for us and we celebrated big time by taking a 4 hour nap that afternoon!

The first of January Jayna's father was diagnosed with Alzheimers. February Jayna's mother had surgery which resulted in blindness for 7 months, so Jayna was traveling back and forth to Plymouth IN to take care of her parents.

February and into April, Steve was going to therapy and getting stronger every day. Except for the great pain in his left arm, he was doing well. The doctors thought that perhaps the muscle tissue was damaged during the heart attack, so we treated him with therapy for months. In May we went to Disneyworld and Stephen did very well. He couldn't hold the grandkids because of the pain in his arm that was creeping into his jaw by this point, but Steve did love being with the family. After Disneyworld, things began to fall apart. The pain became greater...his arm, his jaw, and now the chest hurt him so badly. We kept going to the doctor, and finally in August after Steve did not pass the echo stress test, Dr Ritchie did another heart catheter and discovered that two of his bypasses had failed and Steve had 2 more aterial blockages that needed opened. We also learned at that time that the lower portion of his heart was completely dead heart muscle tissue that will never regenerate itself. He will forever function on 30% heart function.

In July Stephen's mother had a total knee replacement, so our life consisted of traveling back and forth to South Bend. No sooner was Mom beginning to recover from her knee surgery, Jayna falls off of the front step and breaks her foot in three places and is on crutches for 12 long weeks. You can only imagine the total frustration for both Stephen and I as we struggled once again to survive. We thank the Lord for our church family and good friends that helped us once again through this time.

As soon as Jayna gets the cast off, 10 days later (obviously not walking very strongly yet) she trips and falls on her chin - creating the need for 4 stitches in the chin and treating the sprained jaw with heat/ice and a mouthpiece to keep the jaw in place at night. (of which she is still wearing and has a doctor's appointment next week to see how the jaw is doing)

Can you believe such a year? It's been crazy and we certainly are celebrating the fact that this year is almost over! Surely we will not have to endure two such chaotic years in a row.

Nice days have been few and far between this Fall - it has been so rainy and cold. Yesterday about noon our daughter, Stephanie called and told us that she and Dan, Jason and Kendra and the two kids were coming to Kokomo to go to Guffy Farm. They also informed me that a nice hot bowl of chili would be a welcome treat - and they would be here in an hour! So the kids came and began the afternoon by raking and jumping in the few leaves that had fallen in the back yard.

Guffy farms was a great place to take the kids. There was mounds of bales of hay for them to crawl all over...a whole pit full of shelled corn to waller in...a barrel horse to try your hand at lasso-ing...a big hay mound to jump in... and a 5 acre corn field carved into an impossible muddy muddy maze! We had a delightful afternoon and came home a filthy mess. Stephen had a funeral to officiate so he didn't get to play with us.

Check out the muddy path - our shoes were ruined.

Could life be normal this week?

This week has been much better. Our schedule is just as busy, and we are working our tail off, however, we are both handling the stress of life much better this week. Steve has had alot of energy this week. Actually this is the first week that he hasn't had to take a nap - and we have not been going to bed until after midnight. So we are celebrating that some energy is coming back. We seem to do better during the week if we rest during the weekends.

Today was the Conference United Methodist Women Fall meeting. It took place at Grace this year. I was so proud of our people. The men were there to park cars and greet the ladies... We had a lovely chicken salad luncheon - our ladies knocked themselves out... The church looked beautiful; there were signs everywhere, and I could not have been more proud to be a part of Grace UMC in my life. They were great hosts. I got to sing at the meeting with Nancy Hefley. Nancy's husband just passed away and it was the greatest blessing for me to watch her get back into serving her Lord. She had tears in her eyes most of the day as people expressed thier sorrow for the loss of the love of her life. However, she got up there and sang with joy in her eyes. I think that made my day - just watching her. I'm glad this meeting is over - it took alot of planning and organizing. It's a relief not to have to plan something right now...

We have seen and/or heard from more people from our former churches this past week -that has been a great joy. I think the Lord knows when we need encouragement and it certainly was showered upon us this week.

I'm missing seeing our daughter Sara who lives in Florida. It has been since May and I'm getting pretty homesick for her, Chris and the boys. Mason is one now - and when I talk on the telephone with him, he tells me what the duck says, and the cat... He says "Luh oooo" for "love you" and when you say "let's sing Mason" - he says "la, la, la". Grant is 3 and can now carry on a conversation with Grandma and Grandpa over the telephone. They are all coming for Thanksgiving. I can't wait. I guess they are going to be here for a couple of weeks! That will give me lots of time to play.

Jason's kids are in school now. Kinsen is in first grade - that seems to cramp their style a little; They are not used to being in by 8:00 pm - nor are they used to homework! I remember those days! Jaybin is in preschool 3 days a week. He loves being with other children.

Stephanie and Daniel are adjusting to the ministry. Last week Stephanie invited me over to Indiana Weslyan University, where we took a pottery class. I actually "threw" a pot on the wheel. I did fine centering the pot, but I was lousey at pulling the sides up... I threw 6-7 pots, but nothing was keepable. I really enjoyed the class. If I lived closer I would love to take the class on a weekly basis.

Tonight we are going to order a veggie pizza and watch a movie....does anyone know of any good movies out there?

Last weekend we pulled a halt to our activities and just rested most of the weekend - except for Sunday of course. I missed my family reunion on Saturday which saddened me greatly. I had a cousin from Arizonia that was coming and I haven't seen him since I was 8 or 9 years old. Another cousin was coming from California - However, after Steve last week ending up in the hospital and then having a couple more painful episodes, we decided to just play it quiet.

This week has been very very busy - the church is bustling with programs, fall events, fall planning, stewardship campaigns and preparations for the coming holidays. So, once again, we decided to take a quiet approach to our weekend. Friday is Steve's day off, we went to Indy to visit a couple of our members that had surgery, then we went out to eat (at PF Changs - my favorite restaurant). Then we came home, rented a movie, cuddled up on the sofa and ate pop corn and apples!

Today Steve did a funeral in the morning and then we went over to Marion - Indiana Wesleyan University to see Stephanie's pottery that she is making in the class she is taking at IWU. We also wanted to see the hall that she decorated for Homecoming. Stef is one talented girl. She always does a fabulous job at whatever she does. She sure loves to be creative.

Tomorrow Steve will preach, lead Sunday School, and then we will come home and rest for the duration of the day. I think we will pull out his stamp collection and continue to log each and every stamp! Now, doesn't that sound relaxing? ha. Steve loves it - and it's not "work" - it's his hobby!

Steve seems to be feeling a little better this week. We do insist that he take a break in the middle of the day to rest. That has seemed to help alot.

I need to work on my Bible Study for the week. There are 35 women taking the study on the Holy Spirit. We are studying the book "The Promise" written by Tony Evans. We have discussed being "baptized" in the Spirit (whoa, now that was controversial) and last week was on "eternal security" (another highly controversial topic)...I'm not sure I'm cut out for this kind of discussion...I think I'm way in over my head. We had to call Steve into our study last week - I thought that we could whiz through this book, however, we should be on chapter 6 - and we are on chapter 2! Must go study...

Dr. Ritchie says "You have to get to know your body" - Stephen runs this vicious cycle - he has so much he wants to do.... he doesn't feel 100%, so he pushes harder...the harder he pushes the more tired he gets... the more tired he gets, he thinks he has to push harder to get it all done... and by the end of the day - well, his body gives out.

Get to know your body - know how much you can take - know when you need to rest! Stephen has a tremendous work ethic. He knows what needs to be done and cannot rest until it is completed. I am not sure he will ever "get to know" what he can take/do. He just "runs" until it all gets done - and then he begrudginly falls into bed without calling on someone he knows he should have. This is something we will have to work on. I don't know about how to do it. He does delegate and he does do a good job of letting his staff do their thing without him interfering with their responsibilities. He could do a much better job of taking his day off. But he has had 57 years of a pattern that it is going to be hard (impossible?) to break. Yeah, I hear you now..."good luck Jayna!"

Frustrating!

Today started out lovely - Bible Study on Tuesday morning - (which by the way has over 25 women in this particular study). I went to lunch with a friend and came home to lots of phone calls - Then about 2:30 I received a call that made my heart stand still.

Steve was on the other line saying "Jayna help me...help me..." - he was in tremendous pain again and extremely frightened. We called his cardiologist and went directly to the emergency room. We were there for at least 4 hours. The tests all came out okay. Tomorrow we meet again with Dr. Ritchie. We don't seem to know what is causing him all of this pain. We gave him pain medicine and since we have been home, Steve has been asleep.

I feel tired, yet my eyes won't close. I would have to admit that this entire year has been the most difficult year of my life. Feelings of fear...depression...mortality...of feeling old...of watching the one you love struggle...trying to keep it all together when you feel like you are falling apart... I have trouble with concentration, depression, anxiety, being overwhelmed and unorganized. I forget everything, I can't remember things or even people. I feel old - we talk about retirement - but with all of the doctor bills finances are a big issue with us; retirement is out of the issue - we discuss whether we are effective in ministry anymore - This is not fun. I know God is with us. I feel His presence all the time - I have had so much support from the church and family - and I am sure that all of these overwhelmed feelings come with the trauma that has happened in our life. I keep asking why I am going through all of these feelings when it is Steve's body that's "broken" -- I guess that is what it means that when two become one, whatever happens to one of us affects the other just as incredibly.

I don't know what to do anymore. I just cast it all on the Lord - but there is a great fear and sadness that keeps clutching at my heart.