I've been singing a song all day long. I don't really know the song, except for a few words: "Mamma said their'd be days like this, there'd be days like this my mamma said . . . " Well, "mamma" didn't tell me their'd be days like this but the doctors and nurses told us that some days would be good and some days would be bad. Stephen had developed a cough a couple of days ago, but nothing too terrible. He went to Ad Council meeting on Monday night (still coughing, but figuring that the cough was a "side effect" to some of the medications that he is taking). Tuesday and Wednesday he didn't even bother to get dressed he was feeling so terrible. I can only imagine how it feels to cough right after open heart surgery. Not only is he coughing all night long . . . he also has the stomach flu. He is back to sleeping in his Lazyboy chair again and I'm on the couch.

Steve goes to the surgeon on Friday morning of this week. Hopefully the surgeon will release him to drive and go back to work some. I think however we are realizing the going back to work is a very loose phrase.

I have been struggling with my feelings and emotions this week . I have become a very "doting" wife that is not sure she wants her spouse to go back to work. There has been something very sweet about taking care of Steve. Something sweet about having him home. I really hate to give him back to his work - I have rather enjoyed having him around, listening to him, dreaming with him, cuddling up on the couch and sitting quietly by his side. As soon as Steve goes back to work, routine will settle in and the closeness, beauty, and cherishing each other's life will turn into the rat-race of living once again. There is not one moment that I don't think about the fact that "I almost lost" him. It rather depresses me to let our life go back to the every day stresses of deadlines, meetings, responsibility and work.

Oh well . . . I guess letting him go back to work is better than having to accept disability insurance. Anyway . . . we really don't have a clue what Steve will be like when begins rehabilitation - he may be home more than at work for quite a few weeks yet.

Thanksgiving is now over. . . my mind wonders how the homeless dinner went at church. It's so very hard to want to be "everywhere" and experience "everything" and your world consists of 2800 Rockford Lane. I can only imagine the frustration of being "shut-in" and not able to get out any more at all. I know that one day, Steve will be healed and our life will take on some semblance of normality. But, I know of so many people who cannot get out anymore. And, I think of thier spouses that are taking care of them. We call them on the telephone or visit them for 15-20 minutes. I'm not sure that is enough. There is something that goes on in my "shut-in" mind that makes me unsettled, or a little depressed. I cannot be doing what I always was able to do - even as the caregiver. I don't feel productive. I also get frustrated that I want to do things and volunteer to do them, then I am not able to follow through with the task because of the great demands at home, or feelings of being completely overwhelmed.

I know that God uses every experience to "grow" us into more fully developed followers of Jesus Christ. I pray that my compassion has increased for all the people who are confined to their home - and thier caregivers as well. Isn't it funny - you can hear things a thousand times, but until you actually experience it, you never fully understand. Our shut-ins need us. . . I will ponder how to "care" for these friends. Perhaps there is a new ministry for me through this experience.

We went to Steve's parents in South Bend Indiana for Thanksgiving dinner. It was a quiet, small affair - which was what we both needed. Today, however, Steve has a "cough" - for all of you who have had any kind of surgery, you know that "coughing" is not a pleasant thing. He also had a fever last night, so I am keeping him home. Our son and his family are coming for dinner tonight. That will be nice. Blessings on your day today.

Christmas Shopping

Steve says that it is rather hard to wake up to a morning without having any purpose for that day other than sit, eat and sleep. I wanted to run to the mall in Indianapolis to get a couple of things to complete my Christmas shopping, so Steve asked to go with me. Steve started with gusto and lots of excitement as he got out of the car, walked in the front entrance to the Castleton Mall - walked into two stores for a quick purchase, then he started slumping over, then asked for a couple of pain pills, then about 10 minutes into our shopping experience, he begged to go to the car.

Since he was so tired, I took him to PF Chang's for a sit-down lunch. He had a hard time keeping his eyes open, but did enjoy sharing a meal with me. He said that he was feeling better after eating a little, so we walked into the Fashion Square mall. The hostess at Williams and Sonoma offered Steve an expresso. He said that he didn't drink coffee -whereas she said, well, you should, you sure are dragging! Of course I cut my Christmas shopping to take Steve home. As I turned the car toward Kokomo Steve begged to go to our son's house so he could lay down on the couch for a little bit before the long ride home. . . well, the "little bit" ended up being a 5 hour nap.

Today Steve was wiped out. He has been depressed that he is not bouncing back as fast as he would like. I keep telling him that it has only been 3 weeks since surgery, but he thinks that he should be doing better by now. December 5th is still the "Magic" date that he thinks he will be back in the saddle again - - today, he questioned that date for the first time.

Life certainly is picking up pace for us - at least it did this weekend. Jayna's family came to Kokomo for Thanksgiving dinner. Steve did pretty well holding up through all that activity. We also watched the grandchildren on Saturday while our son and his wife went to the Notre Dame football game in South Bend IN. (Now, the grandkids wore Steve out more than the Thanksgiving dinner.) Jayna spent about 30+ hours working on the animated light show that Grace UMC will be debuting this next Saturday. AND... Steve's parents spent the night lastnight (Saturday) to spend some time with him on their way home from Branson Missouri.

We were hoping that Steve would be able to come to church today for the first time, but after such a busy day on Saturday, he was way to exhausted. I wanted to worship with Steve today so we "watched" church on the television. As it is our "pastoral" custom, we ususally participate in worship with our congregation and "watching" it just didn't "do it" for us. I am so thankful for a church body that loves the Lord and joins with our spirits to worship and participate together in adoration of our Lord. Participatory worship is a very valuable, precious, joyous thing. I sat there watching the television this morning thinking about what I would be doing if I were in church. . . . I would be processing with the choir - singing out without using my hymnal because the hymn is so familiar. I would catch the eye of 3-4 special people and sneak a little wave or wink as I pass them. Then I would look up in the balcony and smile at the 2-3 people that ususally catch my eye and smile back. I could hear Larry Newburgs beautiful pastoral prayer and smile as Phyllis Jean Smith came to kneel at the altar on behalf of her congregation. I could hear Pastor Chris talk about being thankful (I'm sure Pastor Chris' sermon was excellent for he is a very good speaker). Then, after church I would give (and get) lots of hugs and hear what is going on in the lives of our friends.

That didn't happen for us today by "watching" television. No one winked or smiled at me - I heard a pastoral prayer, but it wasn't delivered from my very own Larry Newburg - I didn't see anyone come to the altar - and the sermon this morning was "pre-recorded". I heard great music, but I really missed smiling at Barb Hobbs (our organist) after she knocked the offertory out of the ballpark. "Watching" worship, I missed all of the love, the joy, the comraderie, and the closeness that I feel when we come together and look into each others eyes to spur each other on for the week to come.

So, as Thanksgiving comes upon us and I was told that Pastor Chris asked us to tell someone in the church what they are thankful for - I am thankful for real, alive, warm, participatory worship with my friends. I am thankful for their smiles, their hugs, their support, their cards, they prayers, their love. Worship, now that is a real gift. Thank you, Lord.

Can Dec 5 get here soon enough?

I know it has been a couple of days since I've updated the blog - the truth is, we are pretty boring people in every day life! The last few days we have been up to . . . not much! Steve did venture out to the Men's Bible Study last night, and we have visited the church office a couple of times just to say "hi". We went one morning back to the hospital to have some tests. It seems that Steve has some fluid gathering around his heart, and they are keeping an eye on that. We also thought that Steve had developed a hernia where the doctor put in the heart pump, but that turned out to be excessive bruising. So, there you have it! The exciting journey of Steve and Jayna.

The greatest thing in our life right now is trying to keep Steve from going back to work. He has very wisely agreed to not go back to work until he meets with his Heart Surgeon on December 5th - which is 5 weeks after the heart surgery. I think he believes that Dec 5 is the magic date that he will feel good again and be able to go back to work. He has big dreams for returning back to work. I have loved watching Steve work through this entire "going back to work" issue in his life. He seems to live for that day.

I knew the day I married Steve that he had an incredible work ethic and the highest integrity of any man I knew. As I have listened to him and worked to understand his great obsession to get back to work, I am reminded once again why I love this man so: He loves the work that God has given him to do; He loves his "people" and wants to be a part of their journey; He wants to teach and preach again more than anything on the face of this earth; He wants to see the "light" turn on in the lives/eyes of his flock; He wants to be back in the pulpit and share the new things that God has been teaching him over the last month. And certainly not least, he feels the church is "paying" him to do a job and sitting in his big Lazyboy chair at home is not getting that job done.

As I watch Steve get stronger and stronger, I know that I truly embrace his actions/passion, love for the church or love for the work that Christ has given him to do. He needs to be with people. I know that when he actually does go back to work it won't be with as much "gusto" as he thinks he will have (He still sleeps half the day away) - but what he can do, he will do with joy. For Steve, December 5 cannot get here fast enough. For me, I'm happy to have him home all to myself for awhile longer, but, I will rejoice with him the day he gets to be back in the pulpit again.

Not as Boring as I thought

Well, when I got up this morning, I thought this was going to be a very boring day - not much to look forward to, but God certainly took care of that for us. The telephone began ringing around 9:30 and the Lord brought all kinds of ministry my way this morning. Then, Stephen decided that he wanted to get a haircut, so we loaded him up in the car and off to the Barber shop. They didn't have any space until later in the afternoon, so we walked over to the church office to see everyone there. My, that office is a busy place! We decided to go out to lunch. Ah, this will be the big test to see if Steve can make good diet choices or bad ones??? Hummm....oh....not so good. Oh well, I have my work cut out for me!

We then came home, and Steve actually felt pretty strong, so he headed back to his office, then he began pacing the floor. For about 10-15 minutes he just paced with a very stern look on his face. I asked what he was thinking about and he said "a sermon" - I then said, woah, that must be a pretty sober sermon. Steve looked at me and very passionately started laying out the sermon he had on his heart, eyes full of tears and a strong glean in his eye he said "I guess God is not through with me yet - I'm still being inspired"! He has been moved all afternoon and not grown weary. . . or tired. I'm soaring on eagles' wings.

Graduated

Hey, Steve has graduated from sleeping in the Lazyboy chair to sleeping on the couch! When we bought the couch a couple of years ago, the biggest option the couch had to have was that we could both curl up on the sofa and take a Sunday afternoon nap. Crazy as it was, while shopping for the sofa, Steve would lay down on it with his head on one arm and I would lay with my head on the other arm. If the sofa could hold us comfortably, then it was considered. We found the perfect couch that I have affectionately called "my great sleeping couch". I have been sleeping on the couch alone since Steve's surgery, but last night . . . He got to stick his feet in my face and I certainly enjoyed every minute of smelling them all night long. We only got up once last night to get him some pain medication - and we didn't use the strong stuff, he took Extra-strength Tylenol. This morning, however, I took a couple of them myself - maybe my great "sleeping couch" wasn't quite perfect enough for two people to sleep all night long - in one position without being able to turn!

When I got home from church yesterday, Steve was in his home office working on sermons! Now, that is a big improvement. He has been saying for days now that he needs to work on sermons, but as soon as he begins, he either falls asleep, or he can't concentrate. It was nice to see him up, showered, dressed and in his office. It almost seemed like normal.

We had a pretty uneventful day yesterday. Steve did watch the Colts game while I cleaned the stove/oven. You know, I have dusted every day, mopped floors every day, vacumned every day, cleaned the downstairs bathroom every day - I am really looking for "active" things to do. I was even toying with the idea of putting up my Christmas decorations - just to give me something active to do. However, I know that in a few more days Steve might feel like helping and that would give him something to "do" while he is recuperating as well. So . . . I wait.

I don't have a clue what I can do today - I guess we'll start with fixing breakfast and see what the day brings. I certainly don't want to waste it - hummm... Okay, Lord, this day is yours - what are we going to do today?